What is NVC
Non-violent communication is a practical framework for communication. It was created to engender empathy and dissolve intensity, particularly when you find yourself in the middle of high tension, conflict, or struggles where you (or someone you’re interacting with) needs to express but doesn’t always know how.
The process encourages productive communication and language to help both people feel seen, heard, and to know that they’ve named their needs.
The practice is simple.
You do not have to use the exact language below, but it does always require you to name what you observe, feel, need, and then state a request.
If you’re expressing, always use “I” statements and focus the experience from your vantage point. Alternatively, if you’re listening, consciously reflect back to the person what they’ve expressed as their observation, feeling, need, and request to ensure they’re desire to be witnessed.
I’ve referenced this practiced so many times when I’ve been confronted with conflict over the years, and it’s a practice I’ve taught virtually all of my coaching clients. Just knowing the basics of the framework is helpful to make sense of your experience and know how to communicate it.
It’s an invaluable tool to have in your toolbox for any difficult relationship challenge, and I hope you get a lot out of this simple practice.
For when you’re sharing/expressing
Clearly expressing how you are without blaming or criticizing
Step 1: Observe - Name what you observe
“When I ________ …
(fill in the blank with your process of observation free from your evaluation of the experience: see, hear, remember, imagine, etc.)
…it does/does not contribute to my ______.”
(fill in the blank with what in you is being challenged: sense of safety, well-being, confidence, etc)
Example:
”When I see you on your phone while we’re out to dinner, it challenges my confidence and my sense of connection to you.”
Step 2: Feelings - Name what you feel
“I feel ______(name the emotion or sensation rather than thought in relation to what you observe) in connection to my experience.”
Example:
”I feel dismissed and lonely even when we’re together.”
Step 3: Needs - Name what you need
“What I need or value (rather than a preference, or a specific action) to support my feelings is ______”
Example:
”I value our quality time, and I hope that when we go out just the two of us it can be time for just us”
Step 4: Request - Clearly request what would enrich your life without demanding
“Would you be willing to _____?”(fill in the blank with the action that you need to reinstate balance and harmony)
Example:
“Would you be willing to keep your phone on do not disturb when we’re out to dinner or keep your phone in your back pocket?”
Complete example:
”When I see you on your phone while we’re out to dinner, it challenges my confidence and my sense of connection to you. I feel dismissed and lonely even when we’re together. I value our quality time, and I hope that when we go out just the two of us it can be time for just us. Would you be willing to keep your phone on do not disturb when we’re out to dinner or keep your phone in your back pocket?”
PRACTICAL PERSONALIZATION
Think of the last time you encountered a challenging situation with another person. Using this framework, how could you have communicated your observations, feelings, needs, and state a request?
Listening/Receiving
How to use the NVC process when you’re listening
Empathically receiving how they are without hearing blame or criticism
Step 1: Observe - Name what you observe
“When you ________
(fill in the blank with the other person’s process of observation: see, hear, remember, imagine, etc.)
that does/does not contribute to your ______ .“
(fill in the blank with what the other person has expressed is being challenged: sense of safety, well-being, confidence, etc)
Example:
”When you see me on my phone while we’re out to dinner, it challenges your sense of connection to me.”
Step 2: Feelings - Name what they feel
“You feel ______ (emotion or sensation rather than thought in relation to what the other person observes) in connection to your experience.”
Example:
”You feel like I’m not present with you.”
Step 3: Needs - Name what they need
“What you need or value (rather than a preference, or a specific action) to support you is ______”
Example:
”You value our quality time, and want us to be present when we’re together.”
Step 4: Request - Clearly reflect back to them their request
“You’d like me to _____.” (state the action that they need to reinstate balance and harmony)
Example:
“You’d like me to either keep my phone on do not disturb or keep my phone in my back pocket when we’re out to dinner.”
Complete example:
”When you see me on my phone while we’re out to dinner, it challenges your sense of connection to me. You feel like I’m not present with you. You value our quality time, and want us to be present when we’re together. You’d like me to either keep my phone on do not disturb or keep my phone in my back pocket when we’re out to dinner.”
PRACTICAL PERSONALIZATION
Think of the last time someone confronted you with something they were challenged by in your relationship. Using this framework, how could you have listened and reflected back to them their observations, feelings, needs, and requests in a way that helped them feel seen and heard?
Resources:
Love this soooo much.